did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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