Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
