I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
