I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
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As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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I will be naked everywhere
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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