My friends, they love my intelligence
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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