I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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