after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
