why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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