Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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