Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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