So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
