Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
