I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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