I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
