Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
