I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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