I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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