I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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