Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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