Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
