So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
