did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
