so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
