i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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