I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
