what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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