May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
