just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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