dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
