He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
