I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
