My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
