Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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