And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
