Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
