ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
