I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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