Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
