1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
