umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
