Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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