just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
