ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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