Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
