I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
