She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
