so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
