I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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