The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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