Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Randomize
