The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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