she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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