i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
