her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
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Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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