hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
