So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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