My nipple is on Facebook.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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