I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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