well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
