i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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