I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
